Kenya-The true face of a failed state

Being a Kenya Government speaker is one of the hardest tasks in the world, I presume, because you have to perfect the art of getting your knickers, pants and other sartorial items in a twist as you struggle to defend the indefensible every now and then.

Following last week’s piece — and the unfortunate report by the Foreign Policy magazine about failed states that placed Kenya at the unenviable Position 16, just 15 places below Somalia, I got a call from the government speaker who wanted to set the record straight.
Just a recap: last week’s piece was the State of the Nation’s report where the modest government speaker  different from government spokesman — outlined how the government has been a successful failure.

Before he could remind me of what I failed to highlight, he had to talk about the Foreign Policy magazine and its list of failed states.

“This is wrong,” he thundered, his fingers drooling and his mouth twitching, all in keeping with the Kenya government’s policy of mixing up metaphors.

“This magazine has its facts twisted just to appeal to foreigners.”

“But the magazine is not local,” I interjected. “My point exactly,” he said.

“It is published by foreigners for foreigners to appeal to foreigners who want to treat us like foreigners who do not know about other foreigners in other foreign countries where foreigners....” He ran out of breath.

Upon regaining his composure, he said that Kenya cannot be a failed state because it is in a class of our own and should never be on such a list.

When I asked if he had read the reasons behind the rankings, he said he was far too busy — like all government officials — and did not have the time to look at such trivial matters compiled by people who do not even know whether Kenya is a country or a continent.

“But the list is about countries and they must know it is not a continent,” I reminded him, and he admitted that he had seen only the positions and did not understand how Somalia had a top ranking and more points than Kenya.

“It shows that Kenya is better,” I tried to explain, but he had other ideas and cut me short.

“That is the point I am making. This magazine has a skewed idea about the situation in the Belly of Africa,” he said. “It is the Horn of Africa,” I corrected him.

“Tell that to the foreigners at the Foreign Policy magazine. As a Kenya government representative, I can never be wrong, and even when I am, I am still right. That is the policy here and any other, foreign or otherwise, is wrong.”

According to the government speaker, the rankings are skewed because when you are bad you should be at the bottom of the list, not at the top “because that is how we do things here, and those compilers at Foreign Policy should understand we are not going to kowtow to their foreign ideas and publications.

“We are a sovereign state and you should just look at the way we conduct our business to know that foreigners are just meddlers, coming all the way to tell us what caused a blast at a shopping mall and then issuing travel advisories.”

When I pointed out that the government probably invited them because it lacks the capacity to conduct investigations, he was quick to point out that you do not have to be a foreigner to know that the explosion was caused by an explosive.

“We are not interested in knowing what kind of an explosive it was, and they should be aware that explosives explode when exploded.

Further, we have the capacity to meddle ourselves and the fact that our political leaders, the police and even the public trample over evidence in such situations is proof that we know how to do our things and need no further help.”

Just when I thought he was done ranting, he unleashed another tirade, a raft of explanations why Kenya cannot be on a list of failed states.

“As far as elections are concerned, we are going to have one of the most expensive ones, our potholes are the holiest and our slums the slummiest and are the envy of all. Those are just some of the reasons we are not a failed state,” he pointed out.

The government speaker lived up to the job of speaking and failed to understand how the Foreign Policy could give Kenya a low score of only 7.7 when it came to human flight yet politicians fly to other countries every now and then on taxpayers’ accounts.

“We should have received a better figure and should even have ranked better on uneven development because all our policies are geared toward ensuring that junior public servants engage in as much corruption as the senior ones, but they have to keep their job scales in mind when fleecing the public.”

He went on to explain that Kenya is the only country where the Treasury can decline to increase teachers’ and doctors’ salaries citing lack of funds, yet give in to MPs’ demands after they stay late in Parliament to deliberate on hiking their salaries.

“How, then, can our country be lumped together with countries which lack such qualities? We are doing great.”

Before finishing off, he said that he would not argue with the method of ranking in which worse off states are higher up and better ones lower in the list, but added that Tanzania should not have been ranked at position 66, Uganda at 20 and Kenya at 16 because we are better than the world’s very best

“I will tell you this — and do not quote me, but you can put it in your own words,” he said, “we are not a failed state. We are a failing state.”

Stand up if you (really) knew new Law would tear us apart

It has to be one of two things. Either Kenya has the best Constitution, or the highest number of illiterate Members of Parliament (and, nowadays, illiteracy means much more than just the inability to read and write).

The recent shenanigans in Parliament and the subsequent move to lobby the President not to assent to the resultant changes are proof that the new Constitution got the nod not because it was understood by those who voted for it, but because we liked those behind it or hated those who were against it. I say that because no one seems to understand it.

That should be a lesson to the neighbours who want to change their Constitutions and have been urged to go about it the Kenyan way.

That would be a risky move, even though the flipside is that they would end up with constitutions that give their citizens all the chances to display their illiteracy. Can’t wait for that!

The best send-off... or is it?

An ailing, miserable and famished elderly woman was ambling toward a public health facility to seek treatment when she saw a group of well-dressed people walking beside a motorcade of sleek cars with police outriders.

There were television cameras trained on the most decorated vehicle and security seemed tight around it too.

To top it all, helicopters were also hovering above the whole motorcade.

Taken aback, she wondered how she could be suffering yet there was so much wealth and joy in her neighbourhood.

Turning to her grandson who was equally famished, she asked what the celebration was all about and the young man told her this was a funeral procession of a local politician who had died a few days earlier.

“Wow,” she exclaimed. “Now that is what I call good living!  Source: Daily Nation