PLAN B (4)

SHARING THE NATIONAL TEARGAS CAKE AS WE RECEIVE OUR ‘SPAIN OUR CORRUPTION’ ACCOLADE THIS SLIM POSSIBLE SEASON

By Kamugisha Samuel

Congratulations dear countrymen. It’s another window of hope for a trophy.  We are in the World Cup quarter finals. At least as per the Global Corruption Index, we are the 9^th. If we worked harder, we would become the Spain of corruption. That means we’ve to promote Kazinda, Bigirimana and their accomplices to higher ranks because they have made us proud in the corruption field. I think Bigirimana would be the head coach, and Kazinda the team captain.

We must also deny teachers a pay rise because if we do they may intoxicate our little ones with enlightenment. And you know they tend to become bigheaded once their brains wake up from booze and false swagg. Let the teachers go on strike because if they do, students and pupils know what to do. Ugandan kids are good at copying and I’m sure they’ll copy and paste what their Kenyan counterparts are doing because Ugandans do not borrow a leaf; they steal the whole book, thanks to our head coach, well done sir. As I watched idle pupils being arrested and bundled on police vans for drinking, the shock in my heart scared the signals out of my T.V set. What else do you expect the little ones to do if the teachers have not come to class for three weeks and counting? I will be shocked if they don’t sell the Uhuruto laptops on the smell of the tempting kibuku. That will be good business for some Ugandans and I hope our coaches are helping the team to do a lot of training because every laptop will go for a pot of ajono. The Kenyan market has been boosted by their juveniles’ high marginal propensity to drink.

And how do we share the national burgle which some of you call the national cake. Our government is working hard to ensure equitable distribution of teargas. Afande Kayihura had forgotten supplying this toxin until the Bakiga in Kabale demanded for it. They had since 2001 complained that their brother, Kizza Besigye had been favored as regards the distribution of teargas for he had swallowed lots of trucks of the venom.

The next day, the Batooro also staged another Nyangire rebellion protesting the unfair distribution and they had their assortment delivered by the police. It’s interesting that we’ve more police vans than ambulances, more policemen than medical personnel and more teargas than drugs. At least we can afford teargas and fuel to trail Besigye and Lukwago when the Karimojong are roasting dogs owing to hunger thanks to the munifence of both the first lady and the OPM.                                                                                                                                                                         

If the problem is unfair distribution of resources like teargas, let’s try devolution like our Kenyan friends. At least, governors now have envoys, their wives are called first ladies and they’ve bigger motorcades than the president. In our case, the county governors would be Chief Teargas Officers (CTOs) and with them, we can be sure of effective delivery of teargas.

Oh Allah!, let me not be tear gassed next week (May my share be smuggled by Kazinda) because this is the fifth season of Slim possible. Janat, my fat neighbor who last week bumped into my room when the tremors had caught me in flagrante, is now fasting and she’s lost about ten kilograms in the first week.  Nonetheless, Janat has one problem. She has low immunity when it comes to food and I’ve to chase her while my wife and I   prepare meals lest we lead her into Haram. While she’s part of the SLIM POSSIBLE EPISODES, I’m part of the CHUBBY-POSSIBLE SEASON TWO owing to the daaku that she offers to me with utmost benevolence-that’s atleast a fair share and how I wish she was in charge of teargas distribution so the Bakiga and Batooro would not complain. 

kamsam21@gmail.com      

themakererean2013@gmail.com

The writer is the deputy chief editor of The Makereren