PLAN B (3)

By Samuel Kamugisha

WHEN TREMORS CATCH YOU IN FLAGRANTE

Wednesdays are always busy for me. So having had my supper (Of course it was a heavy supper worth a busy day’s work), it was time for me to do the showering. I had tied my Adam suit in a towel ready to go showering. Tom, my neighbor suffers from one deadly disease, playing heavy music. I’m surprised he’s at the Law School. The lad is supposed to be doing a bachelor’s degree in loud Music, vigorous Dance and satirical Drama (MDD). I would not have known about the Wednesday tremor hadn’t it been for my PC which took it upon itself to dance to the quake’s tune. It reminded me of kadodi and most significantly imbalu. Shortly, my goblet dropped down and rushed to hide its pieces under the bed.  10:19pm, I checked on my watch and was surprised to realize that the tremors had swept my towel to the window. Looks like my room was the epicenter’s Kampala branch. I rushed to switch off the lights so that Fr. Simon Lokodo would not have me arrested. If he wants those in mini-skirts arrested, what about a Sam in an Adam’s tuxedo?

Later, Janat, my opposite neighbor began shouting musisi! Musisi! , prompting my medulla oblongata to think that it was another takeover by Janepher Musisi. I spent the whole night awake waiting for another tremor and for my workmates who wanted to know why I never turned up on Thursday, I was busy compensating the previous night which had reported me to police for staying awake the whole night.

Two obbligato things from the tremors. I learnt a new word in Luganda- musisi and this made me understand why the KCCA-ED treats the mayor the way she does. How else would you expect an earthquake to treat the mortal who came to kugogola Kampala?

The tremors also heralded the overthrow of Egyptian president, Morsi. The tremors of the Egyptian revolution did not only shake him but also carried him into a safe house- they must have been merciful owing to the fact that their epicenter was the Albertine region, home to the hospitable Batooro and Banyoro.

 To cut your worries’ life short, such tremors are not so destructive and the last deadly quake in Uganda took place in 1966. The 5-minute shake claimed more than 150 lives. That means risks of death are less than 1% for every Ugandan. No more fear, brothers and sisters. The following is what we must do;

Stay awake the whole night. You can facebook the whole night to stay awake so that you are not caught unawares by these tremors for experts in earthquakes (one would easily be tempted to that guess they are called quacks) have anticipated more. If you can’t, let you and your partner sleep in shifts.

Make sure the tremors do not find you unclothed; you never know which side they may sway you. You may not be as lucky as Morsi who the tremors swept into a safe house.

 Hide under your table or bed for falling debris (incase of falling buildings) is at owner’s risk.

Call as many friends as you can to ascertain if they survived the tremors. You never know in case of death and injuries (God forbid), you may receive 5M shillings from the president on behalf of you friend. Besides, there are opportunities for expert looters (but I must warn them to loot at their own peril).  Infact wait for calls from me. I won’t sleep. I’ll wait for them. Till then, I’m yours truly Kam Sam.

kamsam21@gmail.com

The writer is the Deputy Chief Editor of The Makererean