PLAN B (2)

TAX SLEEP AS WELL

By Kamugisha Samuel

I had busied myself with too much field work that I forgot that Thursday was budget day. Perhaps I was preoccupied with the shortage of water (which am told scored a 10% tax levy) this side of the mayor-less Kampala than GDP figures which I’m told never correspond with the quality of  life. A friend of mine is used to joking, “Why does the per capita income increase and  yet I feast on  kikomando year  in, year out?” I’m always quick to remind him, “The increase in the per capita income rhymes with the increase in per-kikomando price.

When Peterson reminded me of the budget, my memory quickly reminded me of  having risked missing one important thing  that is synonymous with Ugandan budgets- sleeping and snoring officials. It looks like they are also bored by figures and repetition of roads like Ishaka-Kagamba road in every budget. Jane had told me of how the same road has been in the budget readings since 2003, the time she’d began understanding a few important issues. I never watched it but am sure the usual sleeping marathon medalists- sleeping consultants must have at least taken naps or perhaps slumbered and lumbered; that is in case the cameras didn’t harass them with their lightning flashes.

The sleeping honorables have always made me think to boiling point. On Friday while I watched these chaps as Agnes Nandutu descended on them, an idea crossed my circular head. I have copyrighted this idea because I can’t trust Ugandans with such intellectual property. Nonetheless, I’ll tell you the idea so that copycats can steal it at their own risk. Besides, that would effect copyright laws that have idled around. The idea is a course in Sleep Management Skills (SMS). Since my students are susceptible to sleep, we’ll study for a year instead of a-less –than- a- year certificate course. I’ll make them understand that we need Supplementary Lectures for being lavish with sleep because I beg to guarantee you that they’ll sleep.

I am actually worried that they’ll dodge lectures and only come to sign but since there won’t be money to sign for like in case of parliament and cabinet, I can bank on their high marginal propensity to overcome shame. Nonetheless, I can envisage some retakes owing to the fact that some honorables have become synonymous with the sleeping scandal- they have turned into professional sleepers. I understand you know them. I can’t name them here because I can’t risk having my room turned into a crime scene. Besides, I can’t accommodate the big numbers of search warrant-wiggling and gun-wielding men in uniform.

Wait a minute, before I delve into the course outline dear students, allow me  honorable members to ask madam Maria Kiwanuka to think of levying taxes on sleeping in parliament, in offices, during the state-of-the –nation addresses as well as budget reading sessions. We can actually widen our tax base and get enough revenue to fill the budgetary potholes that were caused by some of these money thieves. This would be a way of vomiting back what they have greedily swallowed. Madam speaker, I beg to move that for every nap, the each sleep addict should pay us a whooping 10 million. I also beg to move that we pass this ‘Anti-Sleep Bill’ into law so quickly to prevent  these MPs  from asking for  money  to go and consult their constituents because some of them like lingering around Kampala. We must also not allow aucuses on this matter. When this has been done, we’ll not tax important things like water. Oh! Did I hear someone mention beer also? Don’t worry; Kam Sam will advise you on how to overcome the impact of tax hikes on water and beer in the next episode of PLAN B.

kamsam21@gmail.com