PLAN B (1)

By Samuel Kamugisha

USE HAMMERS AND HANDS

Have you ever bought an insecticide to spray the inconveniencing cockroaches in your house in expectation of decimation of the insect population? I know you must have lost your wires when, after furiously splashing the whole tin which you bought from your hard-earned coins, you saw the cockroach sift through the irritating sea of the insect killer. That must have been okay but the cockroach went on and as Frank Gashumba said, waved to you. I wonder if it flashed a v-sign. You know better and you can tell us what political party it belonged to.  I know you were left with no option but listen to me so you can help yourself next time these stubborn creatures invade your palace. How about if you buy a hammer and hit the cockroaches one by one? You only have to target it as it stubbornly waves to you.

Someone told me that the president who loves cows, one day, after spraying his cows with a tickcide, he was shocked to find 154 ticks on one cow. I wonder how he collected and counted them. Perhaps the ticks’ per-jaw bites had reduced by some good percentage unlike our false per-capita income. It’s interesting when the president is caught arms akimbo by fake goods. He can perhaps act quickly. Your Excellency, you can employ the hand-picking method because we can’t trust the market. I hope the cows’ milk won’t be fake.

SELL TEARGAS IN SHOPS

Of course the week-long strike rhymed with a number of isolated cases, the Lord Mayor, Dr. Besigye and Felix Kaweesi being the main characters. These represent the Trinity of Disagreement. Kaweesi believes in his teargas while K.B and the Mayor believe in their High Marginal Propensity to Resist (HMPR) it. But of course the wanainchi do not enjoy the same experience like K.B and Erias Lukwago. They have therefore politely asked the Chief Teargas Officer (CTO) to allow traders begin selling teargas so that they can defend themselves against police tyranny. Perhaps the adage, “Fire is put out by fire” is nakedly true. We can generate more tax revenue from this lucrative business so Madam Maria Kiwanuka can stop boring us with tax levies on the untaxables. I know parliament may soon pass the Anti-Teargas Sale Bill. Hope they won’t lack quorum. How I wish Kazinda was not sentenced to five years in Luzira. He would easily steal the teargas money if he was transferred to the ministry of internal affairs or security and very soon we would have no teargas.  By the way, Kazinda is very good at Plan B. He anticipated higher taxes and sought refuge from it in Luzira. If he sole 50bn, he’ll be earning more than 830m per month for 60 months. This is clean money, very tax-free.

THE GEN. SSIZAANYA AND GEN. SSEJUSA COMBINATION

While both Kazinda and the wanainchi have devised Plan Bs, Aronda Nyakairima is still struggling with vetting. From my eagle’s look of things, I pity the media because from the onset, Aronda seems to detest the press frenzy. But in case, parliament refuses to vet you, don’t lose any single seed of hope. Simple advice. I won’t ask for a consultancy fee, though I usually ask. You are a respected general- Just join your renegade brother Gen. David Ssejusa. With him, you can enjoy the media hype which you now detest. I’ve actually designed a name for you. We can always address you as Gen. Aronda Ssizaanya (I’m not a joking subject). I know the combination of a man who does not regret and that one who is no joker will scare the tears out of the tear gas and most wanainchi will discover that it’s actually fake.

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