Saturday, 27 July 2013

PLAN B (6)

1.5M FOR AN OFFICE ATTENDANT! WHY AM I STILL EATING CHALK?
By Samuel Kamugisha

The teachers’ strikes over salaries are as old as low pays. Owing to the need for more teargas, which we can’t do without, the president, whom everyone wants to run to, had thought it not imprudent to sacrifice the 20% salary increment he had promised the chalk-scoffing Ugandans when they went on strike last year. It seems the Principal has lost hope in threatening them, “If you want more pay, go and do other things. After all, many people are unemployed.” But wait. Has the man in a yellow hat heard of the impending strike at the Ivory Tower? It’s supposed to be 100% Your Excellency. Did I hear you send me to go and remind him that promises are debts? I’ll go and tell him, hope the tough-speaking new minister of domestic affairs doesn’t order the police chief and the infamous Omara to feed me with expired tear gas.


I laughed my lungs out when I saw MPs asking for loans from the Principal. Thank God the hard times have paid parliament a courtesy visit. They’ve always thought the mwanainchi  was over-whimpering as he chanted ‘the hard times song’.  If a dog bites a man carrying a papyrus mat, will the hide-vendor survive? Certainly not and we can’t caucus on that.

The principal had not carried sacks of money that day. He had carried sacks of counsel and embarked on hours of delivering another state-of-nation address. He advised his sons and daughters to be frugal and to avoid loan sharks. It seems the central bank has run out of paper to print more money. Tender to supply paper. Please apply.
Thoughts about my past experience as a teacher left me flooding in pools of tears. I spent sleepless nights in pensive moods pondering how to help teachers and all those whose high marginal dissatisfaction with their jobs had gone through their roofs.                                                                                                             

My contemplation was not in vain. The National Oil Company (Natoil) will pay its drivers and office attendants a whooping 1.5m, enough money to pay five teachers. NO TOIL AT Natoil. For you honorable MPs instead of begging the yellow Principal, why don’t you go to Natoil. We’ll give out the bigger jobs based on the level of pennilessness. The legislator that is the most broke ( brokest) and pocket broken (brokenest) will be the Managing Director and  his or her pockets will smile with a roaring 51m, a sum 3m higher than that of the highest paid civil servant KCCA’s ED. The less broke legislators can be managers and earn 38.6m, chief managers and earn 25.8m, or senior officers and earn 20.5. Wait, why am I still a journalist? If you don’t hear from me next week, just know I went to Natoil where there is NO TOIL. If you still like PLAN B, don’t break the fast until I’ve been denied a fatty job.

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