By Kam Sam
I’d
always thought it was only toddlers who could get lost. The other groups I had
exempted from not being lost were the staggering drunkards who mistook enguuli for bushera, the villagers who thought bulbs were calabashes and the
whites who pride in their ignorance of everything that is African.
Little did I know that I risked being
charged with forgetting to include freshers on my list. This lackadaisical
mistake I’d committed would actually incite the police into a ‘shoot-to-kill’
operation. I’ll never forget the day my bosom friend, Eric attended a year
three class on the very first day his long feet sneaked into the University’s gates
(and by university, I only mean Makerere-no apologies). The lecturer, a slim
lady professor with glasses that seemed heavier than her was the instructor.
Eric told me that he kept gazing at her waiting for the glasses to overpower
the wiry woman.
Eric
didn’t pick anything from the lecture; not even the topic; not even the course.
The only thing he learnt was that he was lost.
Ayayayaya!!! I can recall the day Susan
almost missed an exam. She looked for the lower lecture theatre at the then
faculty of arts for half an hour. She rotated around the same place in both
clockwise and anti-clockwise directions. She then moved upstairs and
downstairs. She could not find the theatre. She thought it had migrated. She
then realized that was a bad thought.
I can write thousands of such experiences.
But in this series, it is as important to a fresher as salary increment is to
Makerere dons, to understand that being lost is not abnormal. Blessed,
therefore, are the freshers who will heed to my sweet PLAN B prescription;
1.
Asking for direction is neither illegal
nor subject to taxation. No one will charge you under the Public Order
Management Bill (POMBE) for not seeking Kayihura’s permission to stop any
person and politely sing, “Excuse me, hi, can you please help direct me to the
dean’s office”. And by the way Makerere students are as helpful as statehouse
is to Luwero war veterans. And I’m not saying you will be given sacks of money
for seeking help when lost. What I mean is that they will give free services,
no terms, no conditions. Students do not behave like Maria Kiwanuka, who thinks
it’s wise to tax water.
2.
Get used to your college during
internship. It is too much high school swagger that makes most of you shun orientation.
But of course that swagger ends up getting you into more troubles than those in
the OPM.
3.
Lastly, know a few of your course mates
and give them a call whenever you are lost. Just load ‘pakalost’(not pakalast because
it no longer lasts ever since the warid-airtel. Looks like the bride secured a
high interest loan from loan sharks to throw a party and perhaps pay dowry).
4.
Police. If you choose not to obey the
above plan B rules, I can bet my father-in-law’s herd that you will get lost,
but even then, I have another option for you. If you forget all the places at
MUK, be sharp enough to remember the police station. Once you realize that you
are lost run faster than Kiprotich and report yourself to the police or ask any
policeman you see around to lead you to the police. There, you’ll be picked
after radio announcements and you will automatically be deported. Until then,
Kam Sam rebukes the spirit of being lost.
kamsam21@gmail.com
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